I reached the bottom...and looked up

I finally reached the bottom on the morning of October 9th, 2004.

I reached the bottom of the abyss after falling lower than I ever would have dreamed I could. Lower than any stretch of my imagination would have dreamed possible. I wanted to lay down and die there. Die there at the bottom.

But then I looked up and found God.

I looked up and saw the faces of my wife, my children, my father, my mother, my brother, my sister. All of the people who loved me so much...all the people who had suffered so much watching my fall into my own personal hell on earth.

All the people I had dragged down into that personal hell of my own creation. Hell created by combining pain, depression, anger, sadness, and character defects with the final key ingredient...alcohol.

I saw the people who loved me and decided that laying down to die was the most hideously selfish ending possible to a selfish life. I decided to climb back out and try to become whole again. To reach up towards heaven and with God's help try to find my soul...try to become well again.

So began my journey back up the sides of the abyss to try and regain my soul...my life...my happiness.

This was the first step in what was sure to be a long and arduous process of attempting to make amends to all of these fine people...but I felt sure that making amends was an important part of getting back my soul.

As I find out more about the AA program of recovery I understand that my thoughts that morning were right...amends will help set me free.