Hold her hand in Heaven

I heard someone say:

"A wise man leaves the cage door open, in case the bird wants to return".

Honey, the door to my heart will always be open.

If I never get you back here on earth, maybe God, knowing how I love you, will let me hold your hand in heaven.

I guess there's no getting around it...

I guess there's no getting around it...I still love my wife.

I still love you so very much.

When I married you I created heaven...and when I lost you I created hell.

My sponser once told me about recovery, "The good news is you get your feelings back, the bad news is you get your feelings back". How true, how true.

I look back at the beauty, warmth, and love you brought into my life and it is very hard not to believe that I was truely insane for doing the things that drove you away from me.

That is for me perhaps the most painful revelation of my alcoholism/addiction...that I had one of the most beautiful things in the world, you, and I gave it away.

I hope that somehow God's plan for my life includes bringing you back to me.

If not, I'll do my best to be happy, healthy, and strong and live the best life I can possibly live.

But if somehow, someway with God's help and blessing you come back into my life I'll thank God every day and do my best to honor, love, and respect you until the day I die.

I'm glad I'm getting my feelings back, I just wish this part of my life did not hurt so much.

When I think of the the pain and sadness I made you feel the pain cuts my soul. I ask God to forgive me and bring into your life all of the happiness, peace, and love that I could ever hope to have in my own life.

I love you...and I will forever...and I wish you all of the best in life.

How do you let someone go?

How do you let someone go?

How do you understand that that's alright, that everything changes?

How do you find a way for that to make you feel good about life instead of breaking your heart?

The hardest thing you'll ever learn is how to say good-bye.
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These aren't my words, I heard them somewhere.

But they very eloquently describe the situation I'm faced with and the feelings I'm experiencing.

I love my wife so very much, but right now I need to say good-bye...to let her go.

I love her so much that I want to do this for her.

But how do I find a way to do it without breaking my heart?

To do it without losing hope?

To do it and still feel good about my life.

I'm not sure, but I think the spirituality and relationship with God that I've found in sobriety thru Alcoholics Anonymous will help me.

I pray about it. I ask God to show me his will and give me the strength to carry it out.

And if saying good-bye and letting her go is his will, then that is what will do.

I won't stop loving her!

I won't stop being her friend!!

I'll help her raise and take care of our children!

I will do my best to live my life in a sober and thoughtful manner because that is the key to everything else.

Living sober will give me a chance to be a productive member of society, to earn a decent living and take care of my child support obligations, and to be there for my children.

It will give me the chance to help another alcoholic...and by doing so, help myself.

And by doing these things (and others) to live a happy, joyous life.

I won't stop hoping that God's plan will somehow give us another opportunity to be together.

But I will let her go. I'll say good-bye...maybe forever, maybe not.

But for now, I will say good-bye and trust that whatever happens will be for the best and will be God's will.

But saying good-bye to her and letting her go is one of the hardest things I have every done.

Because it is part of getting sober for this alcoholic...because it is God's will.

I reached the bottom...and looked up

I finally reached the bottom on the morning of October 9th, 2004.

I reached the bottom of the abyss after falling lower than I ever would have dreamed I could. Lower than any stretch of my imagination would have dreamed possible. I wanted to lay down and die there. Die there at the bottom.

But then I looked up and found God.

I looked up and saw the faces of my wife, my children, my father, my mother, my brother, my sister. All of the people who loved me so much...all the people who had suffered so much watching my fall into my own personal hell on earth.

All the people I had dragged down into that personal hell of my own creation. Hell created by combining pain, depression, anger, sadness, and character defects with the final key ingredient...alcohol.

I saw the people who loved me and decided that laying down to die was the most hideously selfish ending possible to a selfish life. I decided to climb back out and try to become whole again. To reach up towards heaven and with God's help try to find my soul...try to become well again.

So began my journey back up the sides of the abyss to try and regain my soul...my life...my happiness.

This was the first step in what was sure to be a long and arduous process of attempting to make amends to all of these fine people...but I felt sure that making amends was an important part of getting back my soul.

As I find out more about the AA program of recovery I understand that my thoughts that morning were right...amends will help set me free.

Changing for the better...

My life is changing for the better in so many ways!

I am becoming a healthy person -- both mentally and physically and spiritually -- in so many different aspects of my life that it makes me feel happy when I consider my prospects for the future.

When I started on this journey I knew it would be a long one -- a lifetime journey -- but it is nice to see some glimpses of happiness and progress to keep me going.

I only wish my wife was still in my life to share it. I'm finally starting to become the man she always wanted me to be -- happy, honest, content. I so long to call her and say "Hey honey, guess what...".

I think continuing to get better is probably the best way for me to make amends to her.

If I can become a good father, a spiritually strong man, and give her some peace of mind in the knowledge that if, God forbid, something should ever happen to her that I will be there for our children...maybe that will somehow say "I'm sorry for the pain I've caused you" and let her know how much I care for her and regret what has happened.

I just wish she were here to see how much I'm changing for the better...

How do you let go of the sunshine? A note to my wife!

How do you let go of the sunshine in your world?

When you hurt someone you love so much it drives them away, perhaps the most crushing blow is when you realize that you are losing the sunshine in your life. One of the saddest things about the disease of addiction is that you hurt the people you love the most.

I love my wife more than anything in the world and I hurt her more than anyone. I've stolen her dreams, and my own, of our growing old together.

How do you get over that?

How do you make amends to her?

I am doing my best to let her go with class, dignity, and grace. But it is so very hard.

I am so damm scared of having to live the rest of my life without her. I would do anything to heal the wounds I've caused her. But sadly, I am finally realizing that it is just too late. I want the best for her, I only wish I could be a part of that.

If you ever read this honey, I love you. I have since that first night in Washington, DC when we went out to that Greek restaurant and you couldn't eat your dinner. I loved you then, I love you now, and I will love you for the rest of my life and the rest of time!

Maybe God will smile down on my someday and bring you back into my life. Or perhaps he will just let me be near you in heaven.

I think what I miss the most is reaching over to stroke your hair when we were falling asleep next to one another...God I miss that so.

I hope God brings peace, happiness, and love into your life.

I miss you so very much! So very much!

My alcoholism cost me my wife...the sunshine of my world...don't let it cost you yours!

I miss my wife so much! She was the light of my life and I lost her because of my alcoholism.

If you are someone struggling with alcoholism, or any other addiction, please read these words and in their pain and suffering find the strength to get help - PLEASE DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU! GET HELP NOW BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE!

I don't think I will ever recover from losing my wife. How do you ever get over losing your soul mate...from hurting the one who you love so much and who loves, or loved, you so much?

Honey, if you ever read this, please know that with all of my heart I will love you and cherish you until the day I die. Only God truly knows how sorry I am for the hurt I have caused you. I pray for you every single day - for your health, for your happiness, and that you may find peace in your life. I want the best life has to offer for you - even if I can't be a part of your life.

I do wish there was a way we could have one more chance - I don't think I will ever really give up on that hope even though I realize the chances of our being back together are non-existent my heart just won't completely let go - I miss you so very much. I just wish you could see the man I'm becoming...the man you so desperately wanted me to be...honest, sober, peaceful.

For me, it is just too late for my relationship with this beautiful woman, but if you are someone struggling with an addiction maybe it is not too late for you...GET HELP...STOP LYING TO YOURSELF...GET HELP NOW...WHILE YOU STILL HAVE A CHANCE TO SAVE YOUR LIFE AND LOVED ONES!

And to you my dearest, no matter what happens, with all my heart and soul I want peace, health, and happiness for you - simply because you loved me so much for so many years!

I'm so sorry for how I have hurt you and for what I have done to our relationship...for these things I will remain forever sorry...I only pray that someday God and you can forgive me.

Please God, watch over this beautiful child of yours for me since I can't anymore!

How could I have hurt my wife so much...

For some reason the realization of how I have betrayed and hurt my loving wife came crashing down on my tonight. It is not that I haven't realized this before tonight, it is just that tonight it really hit home.

I was on the way from work to my nightly AA meeting and suddenly I began to feel so remorseful for the way I have treated her. She loved me and I loved her, but I hurt her and betrayed her. My alcoholism caused me to ignore her needs, her love, and her feelings.

I hurt the woman who I love more than any other in the world. How did I let this happen? Why did I let this happen?

Suddenly the world seems like such a sad, cold, lonely place. I couldn't even speak at the meeting tonight. I felt like I was going to burst into tears. Tears kept slipping out of my eyes and I was just afraid to try and speak. I hurt for her, not for me.

I wish there was someway I could make things up to her. But she won't even speak to me now. Fifteen years of marriage and I've hurt her so bad she won't even talk to me.

God, please help me find the strength to beat my alcoholism [to get it under control and keep it under control] so I can work on trying to make amends to this beautiful woman.

More than anything else, I want to try and make amends to my wife. She deserved so much more from our marrage. I really did love her and I still do, but I'm going to do my best to let her go without a fight so our divorce will be as easy on her as possible.

I love you honey! I love you so much I'm going to try my best to let you go with class, love, and concern for your feelings above my own.

I pray for you every day and every night. I pray that God will help you find peace and happiness in your life. I'll never stop loving you and praying and hoping for your happiness.

I pray that someone will read this blog and it will prompt them to get help in time to save their marriage and save their spouse the pain and suffering my wife has gone through.

I love my wife so very much!

I love my wife so very much!!!

Even if I'm about to be only her ex-husband!

I've loved her with all my heart ever since our second date, dinner at I Richhi in Washington, D.C. I knew that night that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.

And now my alcoholism has pushed her away for good. I've lost her and I'll never get her back.

How am I going to live without her?

How am I going to live with the knowledge of how I've hurt her?

I so regret what I've put her through and desperately want to make amends to her. I'll spend the rest of my life trying to make things up to her in whatever capacity God allows me to have in her life. I wasn't the best husband I could have been so I'll just have to do my very best to be the best ex-husband I can. I pray God will give me the opportunity to have some small place in her life.

She is divorcing me and it is so ironic that I'm losing her right when I am finally starting to become the man [I think] she has always wanted me to be...sober, at peace with myself, at peace with the world, happy with what I have, and honest.

Above all, completely honest, 100% honest. I think honesty is what she always wanted from me more than anything else. I'm going to be honest with her and honest with myself for the rest of my days!

So I'll do my best to get well...to stay sober...and to rebuild my life. I think it to be the best way I can make amends to her for all I've put her through.

My dearest, I'm so sorry I broke your heart and betrayed your trust...I would do anything to make up for those mistakes.

I love my wife so very much!!!

What keeps me going?

When times get tough, and the last week has been tough, seeing my children keeps my going. Seeing them, playing with them, holding them makes me realize how lucky I am to be getting clean and sober while I still have a chance to rebuild my relationship with them.

Thanks to the grace of God, and in spite of my shortcomings and past mistakes, I still have the opportunity to show them I love them, the opportunity to take care of them the best I know how, the opportunity to be a positive influence in their lives. The opportunity to show them that no matter how far you fall, their is a way to recover and get better, if you really want to and are willing to work for it.

Thank you God for saving me and helping me find my way while I still have the a chance for a relationship with my kids.

I deeply regret the fact that I am losing their mother due to our pending divorce. I think that of all the costs required to get the "gift of desperation" [see post on this below], that losing my wife, their mother, is the one I regret most of all. But I want her to be happy and if a divorce is what she needs to be happy, then I want her to have it.

I'll never stop hoping that God will find a way for the two of us, my wife and I, to somehow have another chance to be together and find the peace and happiness I know we can. But that is tomorrow's business, and my sobriety demands that I stay focused on today's business - staying clean and sober today!

I love you honey! More than anything else, I truly want you to be happy. I pray every day that God will help you find peace and happiness. If you need to be apart from me to do that, then so be it. But I will always be ready and willing to be whatever part of your life you want me to be. I will do my best to support you, to be your friend, to be a good father to your children, to do whatever I can to make your life better.

I love you and I always will. All you have to do is call and I will be there!

I miss my family so much...

Thanksgiving day...I miss my wife and children so much. I wonder if they know how much I care about them? I wonder if they miss me?

Please God, watch over my wife and children for me. I can't, so I'm asking you to do it. I love them and want them to have all of the happiness and peace this world has to offer.

Alcholism causes so much pain. For the alcoholic, for his family, for his friends. For everyone!

If I could have just one wish, it would be that this disease be cured, that no other family suffer the anguish that this disease has caused me to visit on my family. That no other family would be torn apart by this horrible plague.

I will spend the rest of my days living with the knowledge that my alcoholism caused me to hurt the best person who ever came into my life, the person who I love more than any other, my dear wife.

Please God, watch over my wife and children for me!

The gift of desperation...

I refer to the state of mind that brought me into the fellowship [into recovery in AA] as "the gift of desperation". For me personally, "the gift of desperation" was being at a point in my life where I was so beat down, so absolutely empty inside, that I was willing to do anything and everything I could to get sober.

Following the events of October 7th: which landed me in jail, caused me to lose my wife and kids, and be thrown out of the house I had just purchased with me wife; I had a moment of clarity where I finally realized the absolutely catastrophic nature of what I put the people around me through. I had to face up to the terrible things I had done to the folks I loved and who loved me. There was such a long list of people I had hurt with my drinking and drugging: my wife, my children, my mother and father, my brother, my sister and her family, my mother-in-law and father-in-law, my sister-in-law and her family, and so many others.

It was a crushing emotional moment which came after my wonderful wife of almost 15 years had allowed me back into her life and our children's lives only to have me break their hearts again. I found myself at a point where something had to change, I just could not go on drinking and drugging to deal with life. It was killing me and hurting everyone around me.

I felt I had two choices: 1) Kill myself to stop the pain and agony I felt and that I was raining down on those around me or 2) Face up to my problems and do everything in my power to get clean and sober.

Killing myself would have been the ultimate cowardly move - the ultimate act of selfishness to cap off a selfish and self-absorbed life. I decided that the only way to try and make amends to those I had hurt was to do my best to get sober and live sober for the rest of my life.

I was at such a low point in my life that I desperately wanted and needed to get better...I finally had "the gift of desperation" and was ready and willing to surrender my will to God and ask him to take control of my life and help me find the help I needed so badly.

My Sobriety Date

My sobriety date (the date I got clean and sober) is October 10th, 2004. I stopped drinking on October 8th, although at the time I was spending the night/day in jail and could not very well drink, but I did not make a concious decision to get clean and sober until Saturday October the 9th.

I consider October 10th my sobriety date because that is the day I began to take action on my decision to get sober. The most important thing I did was attend a Sunday noon meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) at the Blind Pass group in Pinellas County.

At that meeting, I met the group of people who would help get me though the next few weeks, which turned out to be the worst of my life, and in retrospect perhaps the best based on what I had going into those weeks. What I had was "the gift of desperation", more on that later. I met a gentleman named Tom whose acquaintance, along with God's help, led me to the person who became my spiritual guide in the AA program, my sponsor Chris.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Starting point...

This blog will document my sobriety. I hope it helps me in the daily struggle to stay clean and sober and regain whatever portion of my life that God sees fit to give me back.