Changing for the better...

My life is changing for the better in so many ways!

I am becoming a healthy person -- both mentally and physically and spiritually -- in so many different aspects of my life that it makes me feel happy when I consider my prospects for the future.

When I started on this journey I knew it would be a long one -- a lifetime journey -- but it is nice to see some glimpses of happiness and progress to keep me going.

I only wish my wife was still in my life to share it. I'm finally starting to become the man she always wanted me to be -- happy, honest, content. I so long to call her and say "Hey honey, guess what...".

I think continuing to get better is probably the best way for me to make amends to her.

If I can become a good father, a spiritually strong man, and give her some peace of mind in the knowledge that if, God forbid, something should ever happen to her that I will be there for our children...maybe that will somehow say "I'm sorry for the pain I've caused you" and let her know how much I care for her and regret what has happened.

I just wish she were here to see how much I'm changing for the better...

How do you let go of the sunshine? A note to my wife!

How do you let go of the sunshine in your world?

When you hurt someone you love so much it drives them away, perhaps the most crushing blow is when you realize that you are losing the sunshine in your life. One of the saddest things about the disease of addiction is that you hurt the people you love the most.

I love my wife more than anything in the world and I hurt her more than anyone. I've stolen her dreams, and my own, of our growing old together.

How do you get over that?

How do you make amends to her?

I am doing my best to let her go with class, dignity, and grace. But it is so very hard.

I am so damm scared of having to live the rest of my life without her. I would do anything to heal the wounds I've caused her. But sadly, I am finally realizing that it is just too late. I want the best for her, I only wish I could be a part of that.

If you ever read this honey, I love you. I have since that first night in Washington, DC when we went out to that Greek restaurant and you couldn't eat your dinner. I loved you then, I love you now, and I will love you for the rest of my life and the rest of time!

Maybe God will smile down on my someday and bring you back into my life. Or perhaps he will just let me be near you in heaven.

I think what I miss the most is reaching over to stroke your hair when we were falling asleep next to one another...God I miss that so.

I hope God brings peace, happiness, and love into your life.

I miss you so very much! So very much!