When times get tough, and the last week has been tough, seeing my children keeps my going. Seeing them, playing with them, holding them makes me realize how lucky I am to be getting clean and sober while I still have a chance to rebuild my relationship with them.
Thanks to the grace of God, and in spite of my shortcomings and past mistakes, I still have the opportunity to show them I love them, the opportunity to take care of them the best I know how, the opportunity to be a positive influence in their lives. The opportunity to show them that no matter how far you fall, their is a way to recover and get better, if you really want to and are willing to work for it.
Thank you God for saving me and helping me find my way while I still have the a chance for a relationship with my kids.
I deeply regret the fact that I am losing their mother due to our pending divorce. I think that of all the costs required to get the "gift of desperation" [see post on this below], that losing my wife, their mother, is the one I regret most of all. But I want her to be happy and if a divorce is what she needs to be happy, then I want her to have it.
I'll never stop hoping that God will find a way for the two of us, my wife and I, to somehow have another chance to be together and find the peace and happiness I know we can. But that is tomorrow's business, and my sobriety demands that I stay focused on today's business - staying clean and sober today!
I love you honey! More than anything else, I truly want you to be happy. I pray every day that God will help you find peace and happiness. If you need to be apart from me to do that, then so be it. But I will always be ready and willing to be whatever part of your life you want me to be. I will do my best to support you, to be your friend, to be a good father to your children, to do whatever I can to make your life better.
I love you and I always will. All you have to do is call and I will be there!
Saturday, November 27, 2004
Thursday, November 25, 2004
I miss my family so much...
Thanksgiving day...I miss my wife and children so much. I wonder if they know how much I care about them? I wonder if they miss me?
Please God, watch over my wife and children for me. I can't, so I'm asking you to do it. I love them and want them to have all of the happiness and peace this world has to offer.
Alcholism causes so much pain. For the alcoholic, for his family, for his friends. For everyone!
If I could have just one wish, it would be that this disease be cured, that no other family suffer the anguish that this disease has caused me to visit on my family. That no other family would be torn apart by this horrible plague.
I will spend the rest of my days living with the knowledge that my alcoholism caused me to hurt the best person who ever came into my life, the person who I love more than any other, my dear wife.
Please God, watch over my wife and children for me!
Please God, watch over my wife and children for me. I can't, so I'm asking you to do it. I love them and want them to have all of the happiness and peace this world has to offer.
Alcholism causes so much pain. For the alcoholic, for his family, for his friends. For everyone!
If I could have just one wish, it would be that this disease be cured, that no other family suffer the anguish that this disease has caused me to visit on my family. That no other family would be torn apart by this horrible plague.
I will spend the rest of my days living with the knowledge that my alcoholism caused me to hurt the best person who ever came into my life, the person who I love more than any other, my dear wife.
Please God, watch over my wife and children for me!
Sunday, November 21, 2004
The gift of desperation...
I refer to the state of mind that brought me into the fellowship [into recovery in AA] as "the gift of desperation". For me personally, "the gift of desperation" was being at a point in my life where I was so beat down, so absolutely empty inside, that I was willing to do anything and everything I could to get sober.
Following the events of October 7th: which landed me in jail, caused me to lose my wife and kids, and be thrown out of the house I had just purchased with me wife; I had a moment of clarity where I finally realized the absolutely catastrophic nature of what I put the people around me through. I had to face up to the terrible things I had done to the folks I loved and who loved me. There was such a long list of people I had hurt with my drinking and drugging: my wife, my children, my mother and father, my brother, my sister and her family, my mother-in-law and father-in-law, my sister-in-law and her family, and so many others.
It was a crushing emotional moment which came after my wonderful wife of almost 15 years had allowed me back into her life and our children's lives only to have me break their hearts again. I found myself at a point where something had to change, I just could not go on drinking and drugging to deal with life. It was killing me and hurting everyone around me.
I felt I had two choices: 1) Kill myself to stop the pain and agony I felt and that I was raining down on those around me or 2) Face up to my problems and do everything in my power to get clean and sober.
Killing myself would have been the ultimate cowardly move - the ultimate act of selfishness to cap off a selfish and self-absorbed life. I decided that the only way to try and make amends to those I had hurt was to do my best to get sober and live sober for the rest of my life.
I was at such a low point in my life that I desperately wanted and needed to get better...I finally had "the gift of desperation" and was ready and willing to surrender my will to God and ask him to take control of my life and help me find the help I needed so badly.
Following the events of October 7th: which landed me in jail, caused me to lose my wife and kids, and be thrown out of the house I had just purchased with me wife; I had a moment of clarity where I finally realized the absolutely catastrophic nature of what I put the people around me through. I had to face up to the terrible things I had done to the folks I loved and who loved me. There was such a long list of people I had hurt with my drinking and drugging: my wife, my children, my mother and father, my brother, my sister and her family, my mother-in-law and father-in-law, my sister-in-law and her family, and so many others.
It was a crushing emotional moment which came after my wonderful wife of almost 15 years had allowed me back into her life and our children's lives only to have me break their hearts again. I found myself at a point where something had to change, I just could not go on drinking and drugging to deal with life. It was killing me and hurting everyone around me.
I felt I had two choices: 1) Kill myself to stop the pain and agony I felt and that I was raining down on those around me or 2) Face up to my problems and do everything in my power to get clean and sober.
Killing myself would have been the ultimate cowardly move - the ultimate act of selfishness to cap off a selfish and self-absorbed life. I decided that the only way to try and make amends to those I had hurt was to do my best to get sober and live sober for the rest of my life.
I was at such a low point in my life that I desperately wanted and needed to get better...I finally had "the gift of desperation" and was ready and willing to surrender my will to God and ask him to take control of my life and help me find the help I needed so badly.
My Sobriety Date
My sobriety date (the date I got clean and sober) is October 10th, 2004. I stopped drinking on October 8th, although at the time I was spending the night/day in jail and could not very well drink, but I did not make a concious decision to get clean and sober until Saturday October the 9th.
I consider October 10th my sobriety date because that is the day I began to take action on my decision to get sober. The most important thing I did was attend a Sunday noon meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) at the Blind Pass group in Pinellas County.
At that meeting, I met the group of people who would help get me though the next few weeks, which turned out to be the worst of my life, and in retrospect perhaps the best based on what I had going into those weeks. What I had was "the gift of desperation", more on that later. I met a gentleman named Tom whose acquaintance, along with God's help, led me to the person who became my spiritual guide in the AA program, my sponsor Chris.
But I'm getting ahead of myself.
I consider October 10th my sobriety date because that is the day I began to take action on my decision to get sober. The most important thing I did was attend a Sunday noon meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) at the Blind Pass group in Pinellas County.
At that meeting, I met the group of people who would help get me though the next few weeks, which turned out to be the worst of my life, and in retrospect perhaps the best based on what I had going into those weeks. What I had was "the gift of desperation", more on that later. I met a gentleman named Tom whose acquaintance, along with God's help, led me to the person who became my spiritual guide in the AA program, my sponsor Chris.
But I'm getting ahead of myself.
Starting point...
This blog will document my sobriety. I hope it helps me in the daily struggle to stay clean and sober and regain whatever portion of my life that God sees fit to give me back.
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