The gift of desperation...

I refer to the state of mind that brought me into the fellowship [into recovery in AA] as "the gift of desperation". For me personally, "the gift of desperation" was being at a point in my life where I was so beat down, so absolutely empty inside, that I was willing to do anything and everything I could to get sober.

Following the events of October 7th: which landed me in jail, caused me to lose my wife and kids, and be thrown out of the house I had just purchased with me wife; I had a moment of clarity where I finally realized the absolutely catastrophic nature of what I put the people around me through. I had to face up to the terrible things I had done to the folks I loved and who loved me. There was such a long list of people I had hurt with my drinking and drugging: my wife, my children, my mother and father, my brother, my sister and her family, my mother-in-law and father-in-law, my sister-in-law and her family, and so many others.

It was a crushing emotional moment which came after my wonderful wife of almost 15 years had allowed me back into her life and our children's lives only to have me break their hearts again. I found myself at a point where something had to change, I just could not go on drinking and drugging to deal with life. It was killing me and hurting everyone around me.

I felt I had two choices: 1) Kill myself to stop the pain and agony I felt and that I was raining down on those around me or 2) Face up to my problems and do everything in my power to get clean and sober.

Killing myself would have been the ultimate cowardly move - the ultimate act of selfishness to cap off a selfish and self-absorbed life. I decided that the only way to try and make amends to those I had hurt was to do my best to get sober and live sober for the rest of my life.

I was at such a low point in my life that I desperately wanted and needed to get better...I finally had "the gift of desperation" and was ready and willing to surrender my will to God and ask him to take control of my life and help me find the help I needed so badly.