Hold her hand in Heaven

I heard someone say:

"A wise man leaves the cage door open, in case the bird wants to return".

Honey, the door to my heart will always be open.

If I never get you back here on earth, maybe God, knowing how I love you, will let me hold your hand in heaven.

I guess there's no getting around it...

I guess there's no getting around it...I still love my wife.

I still love you so very much.

When I married you I created heaven...and when I lost you I created hell.

My sponser once told me about recovery, "The good news is you get your feelings back, the bad news is you get your feelings back". How true, how true.

I look back at the beauty, warmth, and love you brought into my life and it is very hard not to believe that I was truely insane for doing the things that drove you away from me.

That is for me perhaps the most painful revelation of my alcoholism/addiction...that I had one of the most beautiful things in the world, you, and I gave it away.

I hope that somehow God's plan for my life includes bringing you back to me.

If not, I'll do my best to be happy, healthy, and strong and live the best life I can possibly live.

But if somehow, someway with God's help and blessing you come back into my life I'll thank God every day and do my best to honor, love, and respect you until the day I die.

I'm glad I'm getting my feelings back, I just wish this part of my life did not hurt so much.

When I think of the the pain and sadness I made you feel the pain cuts my soul. I ask God to forgive me and bring into your life all of the happiness, peace, and love that I could ever hope to have in my own life.

I love you...and I will forever...and I wish you all of the best in life.

How do you let someone go?

How do you let someone go?

How do you understand that that's alright, that everything changes?

How do you find a way for that to make you feel good about life instead of breaking your heart?

The hardest thing you'll ever learn is how to say good-bye.
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These aren't my words, I heard them somewhere.

But they very eloquently describe the situation I'm faced with and the feelings I'm experiencing.

I love my wife so very much, but right now I need to say good-bye...to let her go.

I love her so much that I want to do this for her.

But how do I find a way to do it without breaking my heart?

To do it without losing hope?

To do it and still feel good about my life.

I'm not sure, but I think the spirituality and relationship with God that I've found in sobriety thru Alcoholics Anonymous will help me.

I pray about it. I ask God to show me his will and give me the strength to carry it out.

And if saying good-bye and letting her go is his will, then that is what will do.

I won't stop loving her!

I won't stop being her friend!!

I'll help her raise and take care of our children!

I will do my best to live my life in a sober and thoughtful manner because that is the key to everything else.

Living sober will give me a chance to be a productive member of society, to earn a decent living and take care of my child support obligations, and to be there for my children.

It will give me the chance to help another alcoholic...and by doing so, help myself.

And by doing these things (and others) to live a happy, joyous life.

I won't stop hoping that God's plan will somehow give us another opportunity to be together.

But I will let her go. I'll say good-bye...maybe forever, maybe not.

But for now, I will say good-bye and trust that whatever happens will be for the best and will be God's will.

But saying good-bye to her and letting her go is one of the hardest things I have every done.

Because it is part of getting sober for this alcoholic...because it is God's will.

I reached the bottom...and looked up

I finally reached the bottom on the morning of October 9th, 2004.

I reached the bottom of the abyss after falling lower than I ever would have dreamed I could. Lower than any stretch of my imagination would have dreamed possible. I wanted to lay down and die there. Die there at the bottom.

But then I looked up and found God.

I looked up and saw the faces of my wife, my children, my father, my mother, my brother, my sister. All of the people who loved me so much...all the people who had suffered so much watching my fall into my own personal hell on earth.

All the people I had dragged down into that personal hell of my own creation. Hell created by combining pain, depression, anger, sadness, and character defects with the final key ingredient...alcohol.

I saw the people who loved me and decided that laying down to die was the most hideously selfish ending possible to a selfish life. I decided to climb back out and try to become whole again. To reach up towards heaven and with God's help try to find my soul...try to become well again.

So began my journey back up the sides of the abyss to try and regain my soul...my life...my happiness.

This was the first step in what was sure to be a long and arduous process of attempting to make amends to all of these fine people...but I felt sure that making amends was an important part of getting back my soul.

As I find out more about the AA program of recovery I understand that my thoughts that morning were right...amends will help set me free.

Changing for the better...

My life is changing for the better in so many ways!

I am becoming a healthy person -- both mentally and physically and spiritually -- in so many different aspects of my life that it makes me feel happy when I consider my prospects for the future.

When I started on this journey I knew it would be a long one -- a lifetime journey -- but it is nice to see some glimpses of happiness and progress to keep me going.

I only wish my wife was still in my life to share it. I'm finally starting to become the man she always wanted me to be -- happy, honest, content. I so long to call her and say "Hey honey, guess what...".

I think continuing to get better is probably the best way for me to make amends to her.

If I can become a good father, a spiritually strong man, and give her some peace of mind in the knowledge that if, God forbid, something should ever happen to her that I will be there for our children...maybe that will somehow say "I'm sorry for the pain I've caused you" and let her know how much I care for her and regret what has happened.

I just wish she were here to see how much I'm changing for the better...

How do you let go of the sunshine? A note to my wife!

How do you let go of the sunshine in your world?

When you hurt someone you love so much it drives them away, perhaps the most crushing blow is when you realize that you are losing the sunshine in your life. One of the saddest things about the disease of addiction is that you hurt the people you love the most.

I love my wife more than anything in the world and I hurt her more than anyone. I've stolen her dreams, and my own, of our growing old together.

How do you get over that?

How do you make amends to her?

I am doing my best to let her go with class, dignity, and grace. But it is so very hard.

I am so damm scared of having to live the rest of my life without her. I would do anything to heal the wounds I've caused her. But sadly, I am finally realizing that it is just too late. I want the best for her, I only wish I could be a part of that.

If you ever read this honey, I love you. I have since that first night in Washington, DC when we went out to that Greek restaurant and you couldn't eat your dinner. I loved you then, I love you now, and I will love you for the rest of my life and the rest of time!

Maybe God will smile down on my someday and bring you back into my life. Or perhaps he will just let me be near you in heaven.

I think what I miss the most is reaching over to stroke your hair when we were falling asleep next to one another...God I miss that so.

I hope God brings peace, happiness, and love into your life.

I miss you so very much! So very much!